Happiness is a wet blanket.

When I open my curtains in the morning I always hope to see sun.  It is rare.  I've been under the glorious grey and rainy skies (aka the "wet blanket") of Nottingham for over six weeks now and...

...they have been volatile to say the least.  I've thought to myself a few times that if my emotional life were a roller coaster, I would be a millionaire right now.  I'd promise you very high highs, very low lows, unexpected spins and turns, darkness and light and then darkness again, and very few 'plateaus'...who wants to feel the same way for two consecutive days anyway? BORING.  In all seriousness, I've had some incredible times with friends here, celebrating a Canadian Thanksgiving with the Brits, spending nine hours at the Nottingham Beer Festival trying and mostly succeeding to actually like that stinky...bitter...disgusting substance, dancing up a storm in one of the countless bars here, and somehow managing to learn something.  Today I'm not going to go into what I've learned at uni, although I will at some point.  I want to share with you what has been on my mind since leaving Canada.
 
I've been thinking about what makes people truly happy.  Consistently, I mean.  Happiness is something so elusive, a state of being that we all strive for, and often succeed, but for the inexorable truth that it never stays for long.  Jeez, Happiness, no matter how hard I try to seduce you, it seems that I will always be less like a home with a warm hearth than a cheap motel you stay at for a night or two on your way to someone else.  I will travel to the ends of the earth to find you and keep you, but the harder I try to hold on, the more you slip away.

I mentioned my positive experiences since I've been here in Nottingham.  The negative ones inevitably stem from unfulfilled desires (I mean desire in the broadest sense of the term here) in regards to a few of my closest relationships.  I brood and lament and think, "I wish we were closer."  I'm reading a novel right now that introduced me to the concept of Desire as the Design Flaw.  If we didn't want so much we wouldn't be upset when we didn't get...well...what we want.  So is there any hope to maintain some semblance of happiness?  I've come up with three ideas that just might get me somewhere with a little discipline:

1) Gratitude.  This has got to be the most undervalued of all virtues.  If I have a proper perspective on the hand I've been dealt in life, I cannot be sad for long.  Remember that all things (including people and especially relationships!) are finite, so appreciate every moment with the ones you love, and let that extend past the end of the relationship.  That is, continue to cherish the essence of that person, what they mean to you, and appreciate the wonderful times you had with them.    

2) Positive thinking.  It's easy to forget that the root of your whole being is in your thoughts. Well, at least my understanding of a "heart" and "soul" all boils down to what we think about.  If I work on guiding my thoughts a bit more consciously, I think I could be happier.  If you are reading this, you must be able to relate to me when I say that you can be very, very mean to yourself in your thoughts.  Thinking derogatory or damaging thoughts about yourself can easily hinder your sense of self-worth and general "awesomeness".  Lately whenever I think something negative about myself (my appearance, my habits, my neurotic tendencies), I am somehow able to counteract that thought with another one, that goes something like this, "Don't say that, that's a horrible thought and it's not true at all," or variations of "shut up, bitch!"  It works well, and I'm pretty sure I'm still sane.
 
3) Sunshine.   Although I absolutely love my Vitamin D, I'm not talking about bathing in the sunlight as a means to happiness.  I mean bringing love and happiness to the lives of others.  If you have ever done something nice for someone you love and saw the look on their face as a result, you'll agree that bringing happiness to others also brings it upon yourself.  For me, this will mean consciously thinking about and anticipating the needs of others around me in addition to my own. 

If I can successfully plant these seeds in my mind, and nourish them until they become part of my being, of who I am, then I will not be so down when I wake up and the sky is grey, or when I drift even farther apart from someone I love.  If I can be that kind of person, if I can be happy in this way, then I just might have a chance at the good life.

JC

Lifts, flats, and jumpers.

So here I am.  In Robin's hood.  Post-visa troubles, post-flight rescheduling, post-humiliating breakdown, and I am finally in Nottingham. Yes, I had a breakdown.  I knew that would catch your attention!  If, as a Canadian, you've ever had to get a visa to work or study in a European country, you know that what they're really after isn't an endless series of precise and nonsensical requirements, such as the long form version of your birth certificate outlining your genealogy dating back to the time of Christ, or a 45mm x 35mm colour photograph on professional photo paper with a cream or grey background, featuring a portrait shot (no smiling, no hair in the face, no sunglasses), signed and dated no less than six months before the time of the application of your visa......gasp.....their REAL aim is to test your will to survive. Well guess what UK Border Agency. You can kiss my big fat visa, that is in my passport, that is in my flat in the breathtakingly beautiful town of Nottingham. In ENGLAND.  Ha. 

In other news, I walked into the Secret Garden today.   I swear it was the Secret Garden.  It's actually in the middle of the University of Nottingham campus, and it isn't technically a secret. (Well, it's not a secret at all, actually). It's just off the corner of a main path through campus. I'm sure not many students notice.  It has the old wrought iron gates, high walls and perfectly carved topiaries, as you'd imagine.  A nice little oasis and a reminder to me that Europeans actually care about making things pretty.

If any of you reading this can't remember or weren't informed, I'm studying a Masters in Human Rights Law (LLM) at the University of Nottingham and I'll be here for the next year.  Most of my time will be in the books, some time exploring the town, a bit less time getting exercise, and then occasionally breaking the surface from all that to catch some air and write to you all back home (or wherever you are in the world).

For now, I am very busy furnishing my new apartment, choosing courses, taking introductory workshops and meeting students with every kind of accent you can imagine.  It's all very colourful, and all very exciting.  I hope you will take some time to write to me also this year.  Your words and voices keep me afloat!

All my love,
Julie
p.s. news on lifts and jumpers to come....